Vogue: Let’s Sexualize Robert Mueller

Entitled Step Aside, Idris Elba and Chris Hemsworth: Robert Mueller Is America’s New Crush

My first beef is the fact that Idris Elba and Chris Hemsworth are absolutely NOT the standard American crushes.

Not because, oh, you know, Idris Elba is English and Chris Hemsworth is Australian, but because we haven’t have American heartthrobs in at least ten years.

The last American heartthrobs were Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron. Coincidentally, I was too old to appreciate them but I saw the impact those fellas had on the girls.

Look at this trash.

…as Chelsea Handler bluntly put it on Twitter: “I’m starting to have a real crush on Mueller.”
She wasn’t the only one who’d felt a tingle while reading The Wall Street Journal breaking news alert. Handler’s tweet about the 72-year-old grandfather was met with responses like, “Intelligence is sexy”; “It’s Mueller Time” (there are now even T-shirts and trucker hats to this effect); #SilverFox; and from one man, “I wanna have his baby.” Kindly step aside, Messrs. Idris Elba and Chris Hemsworth, because America has a deeply passionate, totally red-hot new crush, and it’s on Robert Mueller.

Chelsea Handler also had two abortions so I’m not going to take her word as gospel in terms of what’s attractive. Lady has her own Netflix show that glorifies how she’s totally happy, guys, being so totally single and alone.

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